Saturday, September 27, 2008

G, as in, Google

Dear Customer Service Lady,

I understand that you cannot always understand the English language or its accents. I thoroughly applaud you for the effort you put out, in fact, as I have worked with many people whose first language isn't English. It's amazing how much you have to deal with when trying to keep your job and accurately help the people you are supposed to be assisting.

However, there are a few things you still need to work on. Like when someone corrects you with the right spelling of a word. Or being able to remember that "Mr." means a man, and "ma'am" is for a woman.

For example, this is the conversation we had to day:

Me: quirkyjessi AT gmail DOT com
You: alright
Me: q u i r k y j e s s i AT gmail DOT com
You: alright
You: ok, your address is q as in Quebec, u as in Utah, r r k
Me: no, q u *i* r k, I as in, um, Iceland
You: ok, j e s s y
Me: no, no, j e s s i, I as in Iceland again
You: ok, at yahoo, right?
Me: no, gmail
You: ok, jmail? as in jaguar?
Me: no, gmail, as in, uh, Google.
You: alright, let me put you on hold now while I look into your problem

~Gah, I haven't told you my problem yet! You haven't even gotten into my account yet because you can't understand the letters that I am spelling extra slow for you! I'll listen to the hold music for a few minutes, though.~

You: Alright, Miss Some-funky-name, may I speak to Mr. Some-funky-name?
Me: There is no Mr.. This is my account. My name is the only name on the account.
You: Well ma'am, I can give you general information about the account, but in order to give you any specific information, I have to speak to Mr. Some-funky-name.
Me: Ma'am, this is *my* account. There is no other name. It is only me. The name on the account will be something like "Jessi, Jessica, ItsJustJessi, Jessica *last name.*" There is no other name, only me.
You: Oh. *silence* So this is your account?
Me: Yes.
You: You are the account holder?
Me: Yes.
You: Okay, Mr. Some-funky-name, let me....

~For the rest of the phone call, you called me Mr. Some-funky-name or a couple times you said Mr. *last name*, but the first letter was wrong....and it was obvious, not just a difference in accents or the way the letter is pronounced. You'd occasionally call me "ma'am," but, even though that doesn't match the "Mr." portion.

19 minutes and 57 seconds later, I finally got off the phone. Yes, I checked the amount of time because I'll never get that 20 minutes back. My question didn't even require you to get into my account, so it feels like such a waste.

You really did get lucky, though. I didn't show any of my frustration on the phone. I didn't complain or get upset. I just kept respelling and slowly my words down so you could truly understand what I was saying. I've learned a foreign language. It's not easy!

Unfortunately, not all people are going to be so kind. I really do hope you have a good day. I was frustrated when I got off the phone, but only momentarily. You, however, have the rest of this day....this week....this month....this whole deal with people who aren't going to be patient. I wish you the best of luck.


Glad I'm Not in Your Shoes

Friday, May 16, 2008

Snap, crackle, pop -- not slurp

Dear Slurper,

I know it's sometimes fun to slurp -- like when you're all alone, eating spaghetti, and don't bother to cut it up.

Or when you're five.

But there are some foods, situations, and ages when slurping is not appropriate. When you're at work and decide that you are hungry, by all means, eat. If you do not understand the concept of eating a bowl of cereal as an adult, however, maybe you should stick to finger foods.

You see, when you take a bite of cereal, the point is to get it in your mouth and the proceed to chew it. There is no need to scrape the solid food off with your teeth, and then slurp the milk off in a separate action.

Just put it all in and enjoy -- quietly. Let your cereal do the talking and keep your actions to yourself, as silently as possible. It's best for everyone really.

Yours truly,

The one who wishes she had earplugs

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Fly a little higher

Dear Bumblebees,

I understand that the flowers have all bloomed and spring is in the air. I know what that signals to creatures across the land.

And before I continue further, let me make sure you know how much I appreciate your existence. I thank you for your pollination skills, your hand in honey creation, and the relaxing buzz you create as you zoom around.

I especially adore your sense of humor. I remember the last time I watched a woman scream in absolute panic as you swarmed around her head. I remember that child who just wouldn't leave you alone and you gave a little love tap. I probably shouldn't have laughed, but it made my day a little brighter.

So I hope you don't take offense when I ask you to fly a little higher. Although I don't mind you flying around my head most times, I know you get a little distracted when you fancy a fellow bumblebee. Love and lust overcome you and the desire to reproduce fills your heads. It's only natural for two bumblebees tangled up as one to fly like they're drunk. "Drunk on love" would be too cliche....but I know the pure lust can be overwhelming and you probably don't even see what's in your path as you zip around in hurried circles.

I see it, though. In fact, you've landed in my face, poked my eyes, and even almost slipped into my mouth multiple times in the last couple days. I don't see how either of us can benefit from me accidentally swallowing you. So when you begin your adventures, please consider starting at a higher altitude. Add to your cliches and get "high on life" up there. Really, the view is amazing and it could only add to your experience....and mine.

Thank you,
Blinded by the Honey Maker

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

If you insist on wearing tie-dye....

(Posted here first)

Dear Flashy Hippie Wannabe,

I'm not a fashion guru. I don't follow the trends, I don't keep up with the latest fads, and I couldn't tell you 10 high fashion "brands."

I don't even like fashion.

I wear what fits, is comfy, suits my current needs/situation, and that's that. If you looked through my wardrobe, you'd find a little bit of everything. I have my own style....nothing too extreme, nothing too sloppy, and certainly nothing too trendy that was bought in the last 2 weeks and will be discarded in the next 2.

No thanks.

So when it comes to what other people wear, it makes no difference to me. If you're really into fashion, then go for it....if you're not, then hey, that's okay, too.

But please, please, please....

If you're going to insist on wearing tie-dye, don't match your huge tie-dye headband to your brightest-of-the-bright tie-dye pants.

Seriously. It looks like you were in a head-on collision with a rainbow. Or maybe you decided to toss the rainbow in the blender and then swim in it.

I know it might be cool to cut or cheap the extra material off your huge, baggy pants and turn it into a headpiece. Way to be creative!

But really, please consider wearing them separately next time. Or at least try not to call so much attention to yourself by talking extra loud in a busy place so that everyone turns around to see you....and then consequently, starts bumping into one another because they're blinded by your bright, swirling colors.

In other news, I appreciate your neutral coat that leaves your shirt choice to my imagination. I truly wonder if you were wearing a full tie-dye jump suit under there. ;-)

Thank you for your consideration,
Nearly Blinded

Please silence your phone

Dear Cell Phone Addicted Students,

Why, oh, why, do you insist on putting your phone in a bag under your seat or out in front of you? I don't mind during lecture when your phone goes off. In fact, I giggle at your ringtones.

But dear god, during an exam, when you set it to vibrate, please keep it nearby. Please be able to reach that precious phone of yours that keeps you connected to the outside world and makes you feel loved even during a crucial exam. And please, please, please, reach out to your only lifeline and push the silence button. It will be there when you return, safe, sound, and unharmed.

There is absolutely no reason for me to end up between two of you social addicts who have your phones set on vibrate at the highest level during said time. There is no reason for me to be able to see your bag moving from the intense vibration, nor should I be hearing it every 30 seconds as your phone reminds you that you might have a voicemail or text message from someone you deem highly important but was likely a hookup from last weekend, a roomie you talk to every five minutes anyway, or a telemarketer that makes you feel special.

I will give you credit for coordinating your vibes, though. Betwixt the both of you, there was a maximum of 10 seconds between vibrations throughout the entire exam period. One would "ring" for a while as a call came through, and then do the appropriate reminders every 30 seconds. As there was a deadening silence, the bag three feet away would jump in and pick up the slack. I thank you for providing constant annoying background noise and for giving me this topic worthy of its own pet peeve post. But I've had my please make the proper adjustments next time. In the future, I may not be able to resist reaching into your oversized floral print bags and fixing the buzz myself.

Yours truly,
The girl sitting between your unappreciated vibes

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Testing, Testing

Dear Nonexistant Person,

This is a test...nothing more than a test.

Yours Truly,

The Tester